So I'm reading the news and I see Emmy this and Emmy that, but I'm having an: I'm sorry did you say something?-reaction to it all because I've discovered two things that have altered my tv habits forever:

1. Gordon Ramsey (on BBC America, not that shlizz on network tv)
2. DVD-R

I have essentially one hour of tv-viewable free time these days, so I'm watching "Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares" exclusively. For anyone who knows me, and anyone who's seen the show, I'm sure there's an uncanny connection you haven't yet been able to define, since it took me three episodes to get why I was so entranced, myself. I mean, I hate reality TV, and I don undstahn holf o' waw the brits aw saying a any given toim.

And ok, sure...I'm learning how to run a proper restaurant in Westcanturshiresberry-upon-Avonderrydaleshire, but the créme de la créme (so to speak) of this show is its homoeroticism, carried in beligerent spades.

On each episode, Ramsey is a locker room shower away from falling in love with various maitre d's and sous-chefs. In fact, at some point in production, he apparently found it necessary to bring a 5 x 7 framed photo of his wife to dinner with him so as to make it clear he's straight as a british flagpole (though the photo looks like it came with the frame). So he's not "gay," but the pope isn't wearing a funny hat if he doesn't want to play Marco Polo with his bangers and mash. Don't take my word for it.

Here are some of Ramsay's more choice sound bytes:

C'mon! Get your bollocks out of your ass and rub them in my face!
Stop wankin off and show me your bollocks!
I want to Ram(say) this plate up his arse. Sideways!

Apparently there are some gays who agreed with me about Ramsay's indefatigable 'moroticism. Power to Ramsay, man. Power.