Thursday, March 6, 2008

Anne being curmudgeonly "young people"...sorry.

Dear Senator Barack Obama,

I am writing to you with a simple request, which I believe will in the long run be crucial to your winning the democratic nomination and the general election for the presidency of the United States.
Stop from making any more God-forsaken music videos praising you.
I understand why he feels endowed with either the responsibility or the delusion of power to successfully campaign for you. You have a few things in common. You are popular, he is popular. You are a charismatic and worldy speaker, he is a musician in California who gets dressed in the dark every morning. But whereas fervor is a virtue for all contests of the spirit, a role call of irrelevant pseudo-celebrities chanting your name is most definitely a curse to those of us who are simply waiting for the November election.
You see, I am subject to numerous and repetitive, "clever" and "cute" viral online campaign videos, microsites, posters, songs, jingles, jokes, embroidery patterns, neologisms, vapid celebrity endorsements. every. friggin. day. At first because I was curious to find out how far this was going. Now, it's just "friends" I can hardly look at without rolling my eyes when they turn to tell someone else to vote for you.
Friends who mean well but who forget we have an entire summer to live through before picking up yardstick posters and pulling levers keep rubbing this shit in my face and I am about to barf my last granola bar into my armpit.
I know that doesn't make sense, but that's because I'm losing it! A second campaign video for you by Mr. "Let's Get Retarded In Here"? And having the gall to pretentiously name it "We Are The Ones"? The guy is asking for it. (Visualize me pounding my right fist into my left palm, for effect.)
You are doing so well with America, Barack. Can I call you Barack? A bunch of chain emails told me I could. Barack, why would you let this guy sabotage your well-earned constituency with the cultish drivel of all the things we "young people" (to borrow a Clinton-ism) so despise: self-referential hipness?
Don't remind us that we secretly wish we were Jessica Alba's best friend by letting Jessica Alba talk to us like she's our best friend! Jesus don't you know how this works?! Unless I get a letter in homeroom, confessing she's insecure about her looks and that she has a secret crush on John C. Reilly, written on spiral bound ruled-paper, carefully folded to look like a heart with a MIDI chip that plays "Take On Me" when I open it, I won't take what she says to me "directly" very seriously.
I'm sorry. I should be writing to But somehow you seem the more powerful figure in this equation. I have an inexplicable sense of all consuming trust and infatuation with you...oh right, it's because EVERYONE TELLS ME I HAVE TO.
Please tell him, them, to leave me alone. I can't do anything till November and if I lose it before then, all of us who want to really see change, are fu.cke.d.

Anne Ishii

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