OK. If any of you wondered why I haven't blogged in a while...
MY DAMNED LAPTOP WAS STOLEN!
Suddenly I didn't want to (cue the most acerbic, sarcastic, and simultaneously erotic finger-quoting gesture ever) "keep up a blog." I lost a full work day to this theft (thank you, robber-asshole. I hope my shit-core porn and Anal Cunt B Sides make you pissed you ever lifted my greasy machine in the first place). And one day without a computer ended up being more than my mighty labor-threshold could handle this week. And you know what the fuck else? I was so mad at the world after the theft that I couldn't stand to look at this stupid blue and orange bubbly Blogger-interface anymore.
But you know what else this MacBook theft signified?
EVERY SINGLE MAC PRODUCT I HAVE EVER BOUGHT HAS BEEN DAMAGED OR STOLEN AT LEAST...TWICE.
iPod #1: accidentally dropped part of it in water. (Apple replaced it for free)
replacement iPod (#2): became obsolete after my damned hard drive crashed before I backed up the music. (I did not bother getting another one. Fuck it. I got a car stereo.)
iPhone #1: touch-screen magically stopped being magical. (Apple replaced it for free)
iPhone #2: STOLEN on a plane. (Apple did not replace for free because THEY REFUSED TO REPLACE AN OLDER MODEL IPHONE WITH ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE 3G)
MacBook with Tiger: hard drive committed suicide.
Firelite external hard-drive purchased at Apple Store: crashed. (Had to pay through urethra to retrieve data)
MacBook with Leopard: ENTIRE MACHINE STOLEN.
Apple earbuds: broken, broken, constant static electricity shocked inside of my ears (no, seriously), broken.
We buy Apple products in part to avoid all those PC viruses and pop-ups and bullshit, but you know what? At this rate, the damage and theft that Apple is prone to, make it about as costly as PCs can be frustrating.
And I love Apple. I am saying these things like a doting mother. But! When I go into the cubinomicon at Central Park's Southeast corner during a lunch break, panting, asking how Apple Care can help in my stolen laptop situation, this is not what I want to hear:
You need LoJack to protect your computer from theft (hyuk hyuk), not Apple Care.
Thanks, dickwad. This rectal lint really said that to me. I wanted to remind him right there who his mother was. (Answer: my slave.)
And we're buying the Apple products to be cool. How many mothers can call their children dickwads, right? I AM the coolest.
Fuck you, son.