Thursday, December 4, 2008

I go Lewis Black on Apple

OK. If any of you wondered why I haven't blogged in a while...


Suddenly I didn't want to (cue the most acerbic, sarcastic, and simultaneously erotic finger-quoting gesture ever) "keep up a blog." I lost a full work day to this theft (thank you, robber-asshole. I hope my shit-core porn and Anal Cunt B Sides make you pissed you ever lifted my greasy machine in the first place). And one day without a computer ended up being more than my mighty labor-threshold could handle this week. And you know what the fuck else? I was so mad at the world after the theft that I couldn't stand to look at this stupid blue and orange bubbly Blogger-interface anymore.

But you know what else this MacBook theft signified?


iPod #1: accidentally dropped part of it in water. (Apple replaced it for free)
replacement iPod (#2): became obsolete after my damned hard drive crashed before I backed up the music. (I did not bother getting another one. Fuck it. I got a car stereo.)
iPhone #1: touch-screen magically stopped being magical. (Apple replaced it for free)
iPhone #2: STOLEN on a plane. (Apple did not replace for free because THEY REFUSED TO REPLACE AN OLDER MODEL IPHONE WITH ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE 3G)
MacBook with Tiger: hard drive committed suicide.
Firelite external hard-drive purchased at Apple Store: crashed. (Had to pay through urethra to retrieve data)
MacBook with Leopard: ENTIRE MACHINE STOLEN.
Apple earbuds: broken, broken, constant static electricity shocked inside of my ears (no, seriously), broken.

We buy Apple products in part to avoid all those PC viruses and pop-ups and bullshit, but you know what? At this rate, the damage and theft that Apple is prone to, make it about as costly as PCs can be frustrating.

And I love Apple. I am saying these things like a doting mother. But! When I go into the cubinomicon at Central Park's Southeast corner during a lunch break, panting, asking how Apple Care can help in my stolen laptop situation, this is not what I want to hear:

You need LoJack to protect your computer from theft (hyuk hyuk), not Apple Care.

Thanks, dickwad. This rectal lint really said that to me. I wanted to remind him right there who his mother was. (Answer: my slave.)
And we're buying the Apple products to be cool. How many mothers can call their children dickwads, right? I AM the coolest.

Fuck you, son.


gerryinpdx said...

Wow! I was going to leave a corny comment on how long it had been since you blogged and I'm glad that I didn't.

If you ever come across the cretin that did this, even if you're not 100% sure, I'll snap the fucker in two for you and make it look like an accident.

ill iterate said...

dude for real. i would accidentally give you money for no particular reason if you did that for me.

Ed Sizemore said...


Sorry to hear about the theft and your misfortune with Apple products. I'm a firm believer in breaking all ten fingers on a theif. Maybe even breaking all ten toes.

I will commend you on your restraint. I would have either physically or verbally slapped the Apple associate who was making jokes. I perfer verbal abuse. It's so satisfying to see a jerk cry just from your verbal ferocity.

Anonymous said...

Christ ishii, if I knew you were gonna be so butt-hurt about this, I wouldn't have taken your damn laptop.

Deborah said...

I never thought there could be store people with emotional IQs lower than they who work in Japanese cell phone shops--but I was wrong.

dorien said...

sucks about the laptop..have you tried maybe scanning craigslist to see if they've tried to flip it?

I would suggest lacie's for external HD solutions..

apple earbuds are a POS. even those $10 "jelly" jvc ones are better..