Monday, April 26, 2010

Just, don't.

If you're sensitive to male-bashing I suggest you stop right now and go read Hypebeast, download a rap album and buy some hand cream.

I (and to some degree, my friends) have been dying to tell these stories all year, and think the statute of limitations has finally just gone up so here goes.

When I turned 30 last year I decided it was high time I became an adult woman. I cleaned up, upgraded everything, started wearing a little rouge. I bought clothes that fit me and took myself more seriously. Heels, skirts and a purse later, I learned that as complex as serial monogamy is with a "good personality," meeting people solely on the merits of a look brings out the dumbest in dumb.

So if you'll allow my good personality the missive, here are words to give the wise an edge.

Guys, these are not the ways to woo ladies:

1. Brag about your dong.
I like talking about genitals as much as the next alcoholic, but the amount of time you spend bragging about your dong is inversely proportionate to how awesome it is. This is a law of rhetoric.

2. Brag about what your exes said about your dong.
If someone loved your dong and you're not with them anymore, well then it stands to reason the rest of you is useless.

3. Call your penis a dong.
I'm thirty, people. C'mon.

4. Call at 2am and ask who I'm with.
Aside from the obvious fact that it's no one's business who/what/when/where/why I'm doing what I'm doing, you're not going to like the answer if you have to ask the question. This is another law of rhetoric.

5. Tell me I look like Yoko Ono.

6. Waffle.
You've asked me out. I've said yes. Don't then make planning the date the main event. Just tell me where to go.

7. Unless it's a trip hop show.
If I wanted herpes I'd be dating online.


Tom Spurgeon said...

I thought for a second there that you were speaking out against waffles, and I died a little bit inside.

ill iterate said...

Never. Waffles are my favorite stomach blanket.

Michelle said...

I read a really gross post on craigslist about a "blue waffle" and I'll never hear the word waffle the same way ever again. I hope it was an internet hoax. Don't google it.

Ed Sizemore said...

Wait, if I'm over 40 male can I still call my penis, "junk", "johnson", or "joystick". I've spend some time assemblying my gential alliteration, do I have to get rid of it? ;-)