Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Philosophical Sycophancy

I have this haunting para-fantasy of college where I'm undone by cheap poetry because I am still at best a dilettante in affairs of the... oh I'm getting wordy. Let's just say there's a thread in here:

Philosophy Major Come-ons.

Version 1. Cartesian.
[Skinny dude with a ponytail, on one knee, to girlfriend]:
I think (pause), therefore I am (longer pause. Then, closing his eyes, he whispers) with you~

Version 2. Lacanian.
[Post coitus, a young man nervously pulls up the sheet over his nipples and looks around confused. Asks]:
Was that as good for me as it was for you?

Version 3. Kantian.
[Junior varsity athlete (he thought philosophy would be an easy major, confusing it with sociology) approaches a hot chick at the bar. Frames his crotch with splayed hands and smirks. Says:]
It's not the size of the ocean, babe. Bu--t actually it pretty much is.

Elsewhere at the bar:
Version 4. Sartresque.
"You had me at hell is other people."

Version 5. Nietzchean.
"Let's make a bet. If you pronounce this word (he shows 'Nietzche' on a piece of paper) incorrectly you have to go out with me. If you pronounce it right, I take you out and date rape you anyway."

Version 6. "Buddhist" (emphasis on the airbanging)
"Let me guess... You're Chinese? Wait, no... Korean? Wait, no..." (He repeats this to death, comes back as Nicolas Cage's sperm, miraculously "gets it right" in the next life and achieves Nirvana, where he is confused and disappointed because there are no hot Asian chicks. Just a bunch of old white dudes with ponytails.)


Michelle said...


theTsaritsa said...

Awesome post. I'm not sure how I came upon your blog, but I like it. "You had me at hell is other people..." hahahahah

c svanes kolding said...

i laughed and wished that those university encounters were as enlightened and amusing as these, while your anecdotes reminded me of "kicking and screaming."