Cross-Posting. GIMME A BOOK DEAL.

Dear BEA Publishers,
It used to be all you needed to get published was rohypnol, a turkey baster and ten minutes with Sonny Mehta. Today, a book’s marketing gimmick is developed so far in advance of the actual book you can actually get a deal with just a mockup of its eventual hashtag.

So let me cut to the chase. I’m a writer. I want to get published. Here are the books I can write (most of them in less than a week). I guarantee publicity and sales. You don’t even need to tour me. My Skype account’s been upgraded. My LinkedIn account’s been updated. But look… if Microsoft and 5 billion Wall Street dollars fail us (which of course it won’t), I am not afraid to inject botox into a little girl’s face on Good Morning America. Fuck it. I will botox SEVERAL little girls if necessary. So in no particular order, some books that’ll make us all some mad coin.

1. A guide to tantric masturbation.

2. “What Pantone is your Parachute?”

3. The surefire Asian weight-loss diet no one’s talking about yet. (Hint: North Korea)

4. A series of romance novels about white+asian graphic designers.

5. A series of hardboiled crime novels starring an NYPD detective of Middle Eastern origins.

6. Dictionary of foreign neologisms used in American English, replete with a pronunciation guide (native, adopted), etymology, and graphics.

7. Reinterpretation of The Little Prince in which the prince is a junkie.

8. One of those Tiger Mom books laid out like one of those “Weird Japanese Inventions” books.

9. A book about flea markets that turns into a tote bag when you get pregnant.

10. The Bible in Asian pidgin.