Thursday, August 21, 2008

F.I.T.T. Revival -- East of Krakatoa

Hey everyone. I'm reviving the FITT for a spell and taking it around the block, where I will make her work it for a couple benjys.

Remember, the Finger In The Throat report takes pulp fiction starring Asians, and rates it by the choice morsels that induced vomitting will produce. The reconstituted product is always a little more versatile anyway. Like kamaboko or imitation crab meat.

I'm coinciding the FITT revival with Dry T-Shirt Contest #4.
(btw, Hawaiian Jon, I swear your cucumber shirt is on the way. Same with Mr. Korean-South. I just need my photoshopper around to do the graphics.)

DTSC 4: Best worst rice-chaser t-shirt slogan.
Example: How Yu doin'? (Picture of "that guy" with the sleezy come-on face)

Alright so let's start the FITT revival vomitstravaganza.KRAKATOA, EAST OF JAVA
By Michael Avallone

Krakatoa, East of Java or "Crackheads Toe-up, Feast on Tapas" as I would call it if it were my book, is about a bunch of sailors, divers and prisoners aboard the Batavia Queen on the Indian Ocean looking for refuge from the hard seas, only to find themselves beholden to Southeast Asian melancholy and good for nothing (but raping) girls. But if loving tiny Asian ladies against their will is wrong, I don't want to be white.

Oh and they're trying to get away from the exploding volcano.

So let's examine.
Merchant sailor Harry Connerly has just sexually assaulted an "Oriental." He is being punished for it by being hung up in a bamboo cage above the ship's deck, for all to see. No love. (Anne fist bumps guy who made bamboo cage.)

And then he gets to thinking:

The cage was awkward, cumbersome...In fact, the Oriental mind alone was capable of devising such an instrument of torture. The one euphemistically known as the Little Ease. In the cage on the aft hatch, Harry Connerly was forced to squat in a hunched position. [Do I smell Asian squat contest comin' up? Huhn? Huhn? (eyebrow dance)]
And for what? Away from his laudanum and his hallucinations, Connerly could only realize that Hanson had ordered such a summary punishment for the attempted rape of one of the Jap diving girls. That was a laugh.

It's ok though. That Jap diving girl gets hers. More to the point, she gets an Italian luvah:

[Toshi, the Jap diver speaking] "When you are dancing tinikling, I looked up. (The Italian lovah dancing...Filipino folk dances...on the ship's deck) Your father watching you. Because you laugh, he smiles, he is happy." Toshi shrugged simply. "So you see, I know (about filial intimacy)."
(Leoncavallo) was moved by her insight, by the fact that a little Oriental girl had taken note of his relationship with Giovanni Borghese...
He slowly drew her to him. Her piquant face curved up like a lotus flower to meet his. Their lips were a breath apart. Leoncavallo's heart soared. [I will dance tinikling for the person who can explain to me what this piquant face is.]

So all is not the laughable "crime" (super-emphasized air quotes) of "attempting to rape" (same air quotes) a Jap diver. It's also the Jap diver's lovable, piquant, lotus flower of a face. I give this book a rating of 2 air-quote fingers down my throat.


Ed Sizemore said...

Anne, so a t-shirt slogan like "Hey Ladies! My White Rice is VERY Nice!"? (To get the full effect, you have to imagine me wearing such a shirt. I'm the paste-white, ugly version of the comics shop guy from the Simpsons except with short hair and glasses.

Also, you can't beat R. E. Howard's description of Asians. I wish I could find the exact quote. Something like, little yellow men and their corrupt gods.

Anonymous said...

F.I.T.T. is back. And with cover images. I couldn't be more happy.


ill iterate said...

Ed! I've met you and this description is not true. Have you seen that guy at cons with the goatee, brown palate of clothing and ewok hairdo? He's always at every comics convention thing in the Eastern seaboard. THAT's the ugly version of the comics shop guy from The Simpsons.

Ed Sizemore said...

Anne, I don't know how I missed that guy. I'm pretty use to being the ugly one in the room.

Sad but true, usually the only guys that make me feel better about myself are the ones who have turned combovers into an art form. You know the guys, they have combed all the remaining hair on their head up and try to make it look natural. A cheap rug would look better and require less effort. But I digress from the topic of the post ;-}

Daniel Littrell said...

My rice-chaser t-shirt:

"Poppa Pagoda"

(Completed by the image of one proud, erect, pagoda. I can't believe this happy structure didn't make the Top 5 Asia Phalluses list...)

Anonymous said...

someone in the band must have seen this book at some point:'s:Lava