Opening Themes

Opening Theme, Sono 1:
I keep my radio alarm on WNYC so I can wake up to the caramel-like voices of old men announcing human evils and media foibles.

"Two women were found dead under the BQE..."
"New evidence has surfaced that Mother Theresa was into leather-bondage."
"Later, we interview a man who didn't use toilet paper for a year!"

But if I wake up before 9am and hurry to shut off my radio, it's not because I've been jostled from my slumber with bad news. It's because I cringe to hear what happens next.

Nothing is more horrifying than the sound of The BBC Newshour opening theme. It's a Wagnerian freak show--ten seconds of string instruments gasping for air on the sinking Titanic as if the lives of toddlers depended on it. It's a team of miniature ponies slapped with nail-studded whips, driven by a Norwegian war demon, and headed straight to a lake of fire. It's a freezing tornado of pigeons in heat. And just when you think it's over, THE CLOSING THEME IS THE SAME SONG BUT TWICE AS LONG.

Now, it strikes me as utterly strange that the BBC's morning TV theme is so pleasant (if sterile): synthesizer plops of water on sine waves of rhythm. Not fair.

Opening Theme, Sono 2:
I recently woke up at 5am and found myself watching a Golden Girls marathon (a.k.a. the Hallmark Channel before noon on any given day of the week).

You know what? That opening theme IS TOXIC. Not Brittany Spears horny-or-possibly-retarded(?) toxic. I mean toxic like I challenge you to listen to it and stop your subconscious from singing it out loud later.

Opening Theme, Sono 3:
The X-Men cartoon opening theme.
Best!
Opening theme!
Ever!

But you know what's curious? IT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE THE BBC NEWSHOUR THEME. So here's my plea to you, BBC Newshour: Find whoever did this opening theme for the X-Men cartoon series and have him/her redo your friggin' snuff film foley of an opening theme.