Comic-Con... The Movie Trailer

I know every year we complain that San Diego Comic-Con International is being taken over by Big Hollywood, but in our post-Black Monday economy, Big Hollywood just looked kind of hokey this year. And "hokey" is actually good for comics. I like Hokey. Maybe this is the future of CCI. Maybe, the whole friggin' Con will just become a series of film trailers. So with that...

COMIC-CON 2009 RECAP: MOVIE EDITION.

#1) [Inspired by Tom Devlin (D&Q), who said upon seeing posters for Alice in Wonderland, "is Tim Burton going to shit on everything now?" and Allison, who made the Johnny Depp joke.]

(Narrated by Don LaFontaine)

He astonished us with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He got freaky with Sleepy Hollow and Alice in Wonderland. This summer, Tim Burton brings in the remake funk, in...

Planet of the Bears.

Starring, Johnny Depp as Goldilocks, and Bwana Spoons as all three bears.

#2) Ring of the Lords

One-sixth, to rule them all...

In a world ruled by the 12 Gods of Die, winners ween on The Elixer of Mount Dewe and the Flames of Cheetoria.

#3) 30 Days of Night meets 500 Days of Summer.

1500 Days of Summer Nights

[Bloodthirsty vampires feed on Morrissey fans. It's a rom-com!]

#4) Revoltron [movie about horrifically inappropriate cosplay]

See Princess Leia as you've never (wanted) to see before.

Special guest appearances by "10-year old Red Sonia in hooker's latex" and "morbidly obese Incredible Hulk."

#5) Irony Man

From the writers that brought you Saw IV, V, VI and Uptown Girls.

Portland Oregon is about to be struck by a Taepodong Missile in 12 hours. Humanity's last and only weapon lies with a team of graphic novel publishers from around the U.S.

Irony Man.

His secret weapon: the Kramer's Shield--a five-ton publication developed for the most top secret covered-up exclusive readership in the world. But will the Shield have been kept under wraps too tightly? Will anyone be able to get a copy in time to stop the missile?

Starring, Mark Dacascos as Alvin Buenaventura, Haley Joel Osment as Dash Shaw and Robert Pattinson as Chris Ware.