Saturday, November 14, 2009

Black Metal Which Sucks, Which Does Not Suck

I should have known that a Black Metal show at Union Pool would be problematic. Here's what I learned.

You should not have a black metal band if:

+One of your instruments is sleigh bells. [Seriously.]
+Your audience consists mostly of really hot chicks. [I'm sorry, but it's like when white people "know" a good Asian restaurant by how many "actual asian" patrons are in there. Black metal is for plain janes and dudes. Period. You don't go to Panda Express for quality Schezuan. Don't go to Contempo Casuals for quality noise.]
+You still think playing with the word "Christ" is clever.

You should have a black metal band if:

+Your drummer can do the tap dance from hell on a double-bass drum for an hour straight.
+You can gut your pharynx like a Tyrannosaurus Rex for five minutes. Then between songs, in borderline radio DJ voice you can say, "could you turn up the drums on my monitor?" Then go right back to jurassic war with your microphone.
+I say so.

1 comment:

Michelle said...

The only reason why guys ever form bands is to be surrounded by hot chicks (or hot dicks if they're gay).