Rites of Foreign Passage

Every major city in the world has its own initiation. You haven't really been in LA till you've sat in traffic, and what's a movie about New York without a surly cab driver honking at you?

Well, here are some initiation rites I've passed that I think can be described as pretty standard, if only a little traumatizing.

Paris: Stepping in dog shit.

Tokyo: Pressing the wrong button on a high-tech toilet and wetting yourself.

Osaka: Pressing the wrong button on a low-tech toilet and flooding the bathroom.

Los Angeles: Being stopped by a complete stranger who tells you smoking will kill you. That, or evangelists.

New York: Racial come-on. Even if you're white.

San Francisco: Lesbian come-on. Even if you're male.

Berkeley/East Bay: Arguing with self-important college students and homeless bums alike. Double-whammy: arguing with a homeless self-important college student.

Washington D.C.: Fuck D.C.

Boston: Being subject to a completely unsolicited rant about the Yankees.

Milan: Your decent pronunciation of a word is harshly corrected, and their pronunciation just sounds like an exaggerated mockery of the Italian language...but it's actually just the Italian language.

Toronto: This one's a little complicated. Thing is, when you arrive, everyone's going to tell you the price of things in "Canadian dollars." In other words they have to point out the fact that it's not American dollars, every time, like you're retarded and didn't know you were in Canada. The rite of passage is when people stop adding "Canadian dollars" to every fucking fiscal figure they cite you.

Beijing: The Great Wall. Seriously.

Seoul: Throwing up on a sidewalk. Seriously.

Singapore: Leaving the airport.

Bali: Realizing how crappy home is and that you want to move here, as soon as possible.

Vegas: Realizing how crappy Vegas is and that you want to go home, as soon as possible.

Oslo: Delayed currency-conversion-shock. The American dollar (fuck you Canada) is weak like a Jamie Foxx album.

Tromso: Slipping on and icy sidewalk and eating shit with the back of your head. No one helps you up. It's happened to me and I've seen it happen to at least three other people. I'm going to give Tromsons the benefit of the doubt and assume it's because they don't want you to feel embarrassed.