Friday, January 8, 2010

New meaning to "frigid"

I dreamt last night I had drinks at a bar on a cruise-liner with an old flame, who said, "watching the woman's mind become one with her body is such a turn on." I then made several failed attempts to light a cigarette. When I looked up it was snowing against the dark ocean sky and I thought of Tromso. Later, in a hotel room in Los Angeles, I was writing a letter to said flame, with just one word on a post-it affixed to the hotel letterhead: gâter. I changed my mind and wrote another word: gâcher.

When I woke up I thought of how difficult it would be to go back to Tromso (answer: not difficult at all), but then dreaded simply the idea of being in an airport again, not to mention a U.S. airport...right now.

Minutes ago I received an email from Arild in Oslo, asking how the end of my sejour in Tromso was. He reminded me what it really meant to be cold. Below, said explication. Now, I really want to go back.

Norwegian weather - temperatures:

+15°C / 59°F
This is as warm as it gets in Norway, so we'll start here. People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves. The Norwegians are out in the sun, getting a tan.

+10°C / 50°F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating. The Norwegians plant flowers in their gardens.

+5°C / 41°F
Italian cars won't start. The Norwegians are cruising in cabriolets.

0°C / 32°F
Distilled water freezes. The water in the Oslo Fjord gets a little thicker.

-5°C / 23°F
People in California almost freeze to death. The Norwegians have their final barbecue before winter.

-10°C / 14°F
The Brits start the heat in their houses. The Norwegians start using long sleeves.

-20°C / -4°F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca. The Norwegians end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.

-30°C / -22°F
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth. The Norwegians start drying their laundry indoors.

-40°C / -40°F
Paris start cracking in the cold. The Norwegians stand in line at the hotdog stands.

-50°C / -58°F
Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole. The Norwegian army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.

-70°C / -94°F
The false Santa moves south. The Norwegian army goes out on winter survival training.

-183°C / -297.4°F
Microbes in food don't survive. The Norwegian cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.

-273°C / -459.4°F
ALL atom-based movent halts. The Norwegians start saying "Faen, det er kaldt i dag! (Damn, it's cold outside today!)"

-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over, Norway wins the Eurovision Song Contest.

1 comment:

kw said...

It's verboten to go below absolute zero, but I'll let it slide this time.