Friday, December 14, 2007


I think anyone who's ever watched a baseball fly out of any stadium has an appreciable thought about yesterday's Mitchell Report. I never thought I'd say this, but my first reaction upon seeing the outed roiders was, "poor Yankees." Their roster was outed harder than Hollywood in Perez Hilton's ass cheeks.

Thing is though, we seem to be more upset about the players' dishonesty than we are about their drug use. So how do you punish a liar?

Not that this would make any sense, or BECAUSE it wouldn't make any sense, I think punishment should be assigned as randomly as the drug tests were supposed to be performed. It could be like a Bingo game. I mean, there are so many players on that list, the Bingo game would at the very least speed things up.

Bingo caller: You know the deal, guys. Each of you gets a couple numbers, no questions asked.

Alright Bonds, let's see what Bertha's got in store for you. (Slowly rotating the Bingo cage) Looks like we have a revoked driver's license and palimony. So you can't drive for a while, but if you're good, we'll let you have a provisional permit - that means you have to have an adult in the car with you at all times. As for the palimony, you can start sending your kids a check for $50k each week at the start of the next fiscal quarter.

OK Pettite, you're next. Let's see...Ahhh, one of my favorites. Chemical castration. I think the board will understand if we let you off with just one number. (Pettite walks off with tears in his eyes, and stops briefly to look into Clemens' eyes before setting his head. Clemens watches him walk out of the courthouse before bursting into tears and screaming "NOOOOOO!")

And who do we have here? (Snickering) An oldie but goodie...Mo Vaughn. Ah, Mo Mo Mo...(Bingo caller visibly upset with the results) Dammit! $80 fine and a day of community service.

Mo Vaughn: (Sliding glasses up his nose) If I am to understand this correctly, I can contest the $80 fine at the county courthouse, but the charge is dismissed if the presiding officer is absent or tardy by at least 15 minutes. Is that correct?

Bingo caller: (Gritting teeth) Yes.

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